Let’s be real, our responses to microagressions (or blatant, overt and in-your-face aggressions), is faced with such scrutiny. Like people can’t wait to observe our behavior as a way to justify the angry black woman trope. I can’t even begin to account for the countless times I’ve been told to “relax, it’s just a joke” when I’ve confronted a colleague in a don’t play with me tone.
Conflict is going to come. It’s inevitable. How we deal with confrontation as it arises is the true testament of our ability to (1) regulate our emotions and (2) be strategic about accomplishing our aims. In my personal journey of embracing confrontation, displaying transparency was one of THEE most transformative approaches I’ve adopted.
Transparency? Easy, peasy.
Transparency, for me, looks like vulnerability. If I was made to feel uncomfortable, I would say “you’re making me uncomfortable.” If I was finding it difficult to articulate my point, I would say “I’m choosing my words” to signify that I was being intentional with my responses.
Transparency, for me, ALSO looks like telling people exactly where they had me fucked up at. As respectfully as possible, of course. Nine times out of ten, people know what they’re doing. And according to that logic, there’s still 10% of the time where someone may not know what they’ve done or how it’s affected me in some way.
Disclaimer: Educating a colleague is a courtesy. I am not obligated to take on the role of “voice of the black people.” I must also include that when I do give context or explanation to why someone’s comment may be offensive of inappropriate, that I am doing so only for those who I know would be receptive to my words (read: someone I already have a relationship with).
Who I do it for
My responsibility is to myself. Always. My health and happiness will forever be my main priority. And in the context of work, I have the opportunity to make choices daily that contribute with the goals that I have for myself and for my future. This work shit is strategic for me. I have a goal of expanding my network, or elevating my brand with those who are capable of influence, and gaining the skills I need to flip and reverse it to accomplish my many goals that have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with corporate America. If you’re anything like me, then c’mon, sis … lock in. Embracing conflict is vital.
Tips to embrace healthy conflict:
- Manage perceptions and maintain your brand — balance how others may perceive you and the personal brand you wish to convey. Evaluate any misalignment.
- Keep emotions in tact — divesting my emotional connection was helpful AF. Respectfully, I refuse to get all worked up over work issues (sometimes I’m better at this than others)
- Focus on a resolution — what do I want out of the conversation? How can I make this impasse as advantageous as possible?
- Handle the situation with CARE — Clarify the issue, Acknowledge emotions, Respond thoughtfully, and Establish next steps)
- Find community and support — this looks like a mentor, community (personal or professional) to solicit advice or suggest HOW to handle situations, or other sponsors